Earlier this week, a friend of mine gave me some terrible news. One of my ex gf’s was rushed into the ER. Let me start this blog post with the finer details of her.
Amanda had a disease, or something like it, which came in and destroyed her kidneys. She was on Dialysis. During one of her Dialysis sessions, her blood pressure got too low and her heart stopped. She was rushed to the ER. Some time later, they were able to get her heart functioning again, but by then it was far too late to have a chance of full recovery. At best she could hope for some mental handicaps. However, it looked more likely that she would have severe mental handicaps, or worse: No brain activity at all.
After several days of testing and trying things..they found out that her brain was constantly seizing up. They induced a coma and assessed the damage. As of Friday, there was a 5% chance that she would come out of this with any cognitive functions at all. At 10 AM today, the decision was made to take her off of life support. She may hang on as long as a few days, but she is going to die.
My heart and my deepest sympathies go out to her friends and family during this tough time. I may not have had a deep relationship with her, but I still cared for her. She still meant something to me. We parted on good terms, and remained cordial..if distant. I figured from the outset that she might die, and I’ve spent the last few days bracing myself and coming to terms with it. Perhaps it’s for the best, as I would hate to go through life as a burden on everyone.. knowing what I was once capable of.. Maybe that’s a bit selfish thinking, maybe not.
During the last few days, my mind has ran through a million things. Impulsively, I thought of what I could have done differently, that might have caused this to not happen. That’s a bit foolish on my part, but sadly, my hero complex kicks on, in a crisis. “Well, I could have stayed with her..then she wouldn’t have moved away!” .. that would have been a major inconvenience for both of us.. we just weren’t right for each other. “I could have given her a kidney!” No, I probably couldn’t.
My other thoughts are dominated by “What would I do in her family’s situation..” and “What would I want done if I were in her place?” It’s incredibly morbid to start thinking that way..though it is pretty practical, I suppose. I know this won’t really count for a living will and the like, but I do want to get some of my thoughts and wishes out there.. if only for the sake of discussion.
If I’m ever in a hopeless situation, I want the plug pulled, and I want to go peacefully. If you tell me my body is shattered and I’m paralyzed from the neck down… I don’t want to live like that! Literally, a burden on the rest of society. If my brain were so damaged that I was capable of little more than drooling and walking, please save me from that existence. The body may be there, but if the brain is gone, it’s just a living husk. Basically, I don’t want to be a burden on those around me, or survive through a hopeless situation. I’d rather have the plug pulled, than waste hundreds of thousands of dollars on corrective surgery so that I can drool on myself with impunity.
Of course, I hope I’m never IN that position, but that’s how I feel.
Once again, my sympathies go to Amanda and her family. I feel that they did the right thing in this situation, and I hope she goes peacefully. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
Aaand.. she passed away this morning, around 10:30.
*hugs* I’m sorry. Death is never fun to face.