I don’t often dream, but when I do… the results are either awesome, or vividly disturbing. In this case, I’m having trouble deciding which.
The day felt like a normal day. I came home from work, I played some games.. stuff happened. Next thing I know, some crazy mist shit swells up, and I pass out. I wake up in a strange room, surrounded by nerf guns and weapons of kid destruction. Immediately, I stocked up as if it were a freakin’ armory. Light-up flamethrower, rocket-launcher, assault rifle, shotgun.. I got the nerf or plastic equivalent of it all. Eventually, the door to the room opens up into a backyard. Across the yard is this large beastly lookin’ thing. I pull out one of my guns and shoot. It dies. Clearly I’ve won this round.
I head back inside and start investigating my new dwellings. I find this little kid. I load him up with guns and we start exploring the house. A timer appears, signaling our next battle to be in a few minutes. I try to load him up as best I can, but during the next battle, he takes a nerf dart to the forehead. Kid drops dead. I whip out my flamethrower and go all angry Ahnold on the combatants.
A few more of these rounds go by..and more of the house opens up. A buddy of mine (David) is similarly armed, only he’s got a bunch of nerf swords. Without needing to say anything, I divvy up some of my guns, because guns are better than swords. We have no idea what the hell is going on, or why.
Next round involves real people. Backyard opens up to show to women holding ping-pong ball launchers. We deftly avoid them and shoot them. One goes down, but the other gets hit in the leg and drops to the ground screaming “WHY DID IT HAVE TO END LIKE THIS? ALL I DID WAS BAIL ON MY PARENTS FOR DINNER”..
It was then, my dream self realized, that this arena was no ordinary arena. It was for people who had done something seemingly wrong, and some greater morals ubermensch brought us all here to redeem ourselves in mortal combat. Then I woke up with a sense that I had some something deeply wrong..and I have no idea what.
Thanks dream! Thanks for making my morning just that much more fucked up.
Earlier this week, a friend of mine gave me some terrible news. One of my ex gf’s was rushed into the ER. Let me start this blog post with the finer details of her.
Amanda had a disease, or something like it, which came in and destroyed her kidneys. She was on Dialysis. During one of her Dialysis sessions, her blood pressure got too low and her heart stopped. She was rushed to the ER. Some time later, they were able to get her heart functioning again, but by then it was far too late to have a chance of full recovery. At best she could hope for some mental handicaps. However, it looked more likely that she would have severe mental handicaps, or worse: No brain activity at all.
After several days of testing and trying things..they found out that her brain was constantly seizing up. They induced a coma and assessed the damage. As of Friday, there was a 5% chance that she would come out of this with any cognitive functions at all. At 10 AM today, the decision was made to take her off of life support. She may hang on as long as a few days, but she is going to die.
My heart and my deepest sympathies go out to her friends and family during this tough time. I may not have had a deep relationship with her, but I still cared for her. She still meant something to me. We parted on good terms, and remained cordial..if distant. I figured from the outset that she might die, and I’ve spent the last few days bracing myself and coming to terms with it. Perhaps it’s for the best, as I would hate to go through life as a burden on everyone.. knowing what I was once capable of.. Maybe that’s a bit selfish thinking, maybe not.
During the last few days, my mind has ran through a million things. Impulsively, I thought of what I could have done differently, that might have caused this to not happen. That’s a bit foolish on my part, but sadly, my hero complex kicks on, in a crisis. “Well, I could have stayed with her..then she wouldn’t have moved away!” .. that would have been a major inconvenience for both of us.. we just weren’t right for each other. “I could have given her a kidney!” No, I probably couldn’t.
My other thoughts are dominated by “What would I do in her family’s situation..” and “What would I want done if I were in her place?” It’s incredibly morbid to start thinking that way..though it is pretty practical, I suppose. I know this won’t really count for a living will and the like, but I do want to get some of my thoughts and wishes out there.. if only for the sake of discussion.
If I’m ever in a hopeless situation, I want the plug pulled, and I want to go peacefully. If you tell me my body is shattered and I’m paralyzed from the neck down… I don’t want to live like that! Literally, a burden on the rest of society. If my brain were so damaged that I was capable of little more than drooling and walking, please save me from that existence. The body may be there, but if the brain is gone, it’s just a living husk. Basically, I don’t want to be a burden on those around me, or survive through a hopeless situation. I’d rather have the plug pulled, than waste hundreds of thousands of dollars on corrective surgery so that I can drool on myself with impunity.
Of course, I hope I’m never IN that position, but that’s how I feel.
Once again, my sympathies go to Amanda and her family. I feel that they did the right thing in this situation, and I hope she goes peacefully. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
Today is December 25th. I hope everyone reading this is well!
I’ll be spending part of the day on my keester playing WoW, or Burnout Paradise or some other games.. and later, I will be feasting at my dad’s house.
For all the hype and worrying about gifts.. try not to lose sight of what this holiday is really about. Tradition, family, merriment. May you find peace and enjoyment this holiday season.
Yuletide greetings! 
Every now and then, I stumble across someone I went to school with. Sometimes they’re doing well, other times..not so well.
For every person that makes it in the world, there’s a hundred others who are at best, flipping burgers.
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